Summer has ended, the kids are back to school and for me this is the time of year I tend to reflect the most. Summer changed routines and this summer has been especially stressful. Not all bad stress, but a lot of changes have happened. As I reflect on our move, sending my youngest off to Kindergarten, my husband now travels more in his new position, my cousin (an best friend) has her baby slowly progressing from a near death drowning in June which has our entire family in a deep level of prayer and faith together. I have gained friends-even lost dear friends. I helped my baby sister get married, had deaths in the family and all this as I try to find myself now that I was able to leave the work world in June and become a SAHM for the first time! Where do I begin? How do I stop and gain any kind of composure? How do I keep being me and not lose faith or just curl up and hide? Not that I am doomed for any sort of depressive behavior, but just writing all that exhausted me! I am exhausted! Goals! I need to set clear goals.
We all should just stop-if even only once a year and put ourselves in a quite place and write. Have you never just written before? Remember those English teachers that would tell you “Class, take out a paper and pen and free write-write about anything….” I always hated those and now as a Mom and wife I find myself doing this all the time. My Blog was created on my will to write! I write a thousand times beter than I speak! So what should you write about? I cannot answer that for you. See, writing is the best self-help you can give to you. Just put an empty page and a pen in your hand (or a blank computer screen and keyboard) and write. Are you having troubles in your marriage? Write the phrase-‘My marriage’…the rest will flow, trust me! Soon, you will have a page similar to this one with some goals for yourself.
Goal #2-Define and Solve
By define, I mean make a list of what is happening or has happened that bothers or excites you right now-in this very moment. Offer one solution to each. Let me let you inside my world a moment to show you what I mean….
Eddie-this is my cousin’s baby back in LA in a minimally responsive state from his near death drowning accident in June. I grew up down the road from my cousin who is 6 months older than me. Been a few years since I have see her and Eddie and her dominate my thoughts. I cannot be there for her, I fear for him and she doesn’t deserve this. She is a Dr herself, built an amazing practice which she has now closed because of Eddie’s accident. I hurt for her. Solve– on Friday I leave to fly myself to LA to join her and family & friends as we throw Eddie a 2nd Birthday Party at his facility. I just need to see them, hug them and be there so I did it. I leave this weekend and am so excited!
Faith-my faith has been tested many times in different situations in life. 10 years ago, I left a very physically abusive relationship and dropped my faith. I prayed everyday for courage to leave, made myself at peace with death if that were to become of me leaving (not as in self-inflicted at all, but I was told by him that would be my demise) as death was better than living my life then and as soon as I ran, I left my faith behind. I have always been a giver-everyone’s friend, stand up for the weak and love everyone and I felt that is what put me in that situation and I left it not trusting myself anymore. I buried my past-never talking about it and the past 1-2 years it came back in the form of PTSD and as I still avoid counselors and therapists because I have yet to meet one that won’t solve issues without a pill I decided to research and connect with others and decided my own self-help was best. I still get burned being the nice gal-but respect is not learned by everyone so to take it personal is a waste of energy. I began being a friend, giving myself then doubting myself every time. I am more sensitive now, but I do not want to change who I am-who I was and I will always stand a proud and positive woman who loves like no other. Solve-With Eddie’s ordeal- I was slapped in the face with faith and cannot ignore it even if I tried. Faith heals, but Love is the glue that allows Faith to stick. Ignore, but be forgiving to those who do not want my respect and give all of myself to those who need it!
Health- I have always been athletic and motivated, but I just lost all motivation the past few years. I have risen and fallen with fitness programs so many times and I constantly think about my health. I know it is easy for me to get my body back in shape-I was so proud of my athletic body. I have only 1 biological child so my body hasn’t had too much distortion. I need motivation-I need my body and wellness back! I miss it so much! Solve– I set a date, bought some needed attire-right running shoes, arm band for my iPhone music and made the date for after the school year begins (it is hard to go jogging with a child at home-now that my youngest is in K I have no excuse anymore). Day 1 I ran…. felt good…day 2…UGHHH…did not run. Day 3….mad at myself….ran and ran again. Week 3 I am running 3-4 days a week. Now what? I need to start weights-building muscle burns fat! This week-run 3 days-weights 2 days. Next week-switch it up. I found my problem is routine-I like change so I need to change it up. It will work this time- I already feel great!
Goal #3- Communicate
I figured if I can ask my spouse 1 thing he would want me to work on the most I can already answer that-Communication! I am horrible at it. I flood my head with so many thoughts and introvert! I can have a thousand thoughts in my head, but if someone asks me what is wrong I cannot think of one thing to say! I am learning a lot in my self-help and research. I am very well aware how the lack of communication will kill a relationship and cause personal frustrations faster than any other need. My problem was not dealing with my past…I am afraid to ask for certain things afraid to stay away from home too long because in my abusive relationship I was punished for having my own opinions and asking to be away. Last week after booking my flight, I went to my husband and Thanked him for allowing me to go to LA this weekend to see Eddie and he looked frustrated…”why did you feel the need to thank me and why would you suggest I LET you go-why would I not?” The truth- I had wanted to ask since June but just couldn’t. Sounds silly, but saying what is on my mind is so much harder than just thinking about it and I stood there after telling him that and about cried! My lord-will I ever learn to just communicate! I frustrate him constantly when he has to ask why I am so quiet or make assumptions about my intentions sometimes. Heck– I am struggling in other areas of my life because I find it so hard to express myself and communicate. I will one-by-one lose every friend I have and destroy my marriage if I do not change. Communication is my topic of research right now. I have friendships to mend, family to be there for and a husband that has only one complaint about me and that is my resistance to communication. If I can master this-he has no complaints about me ever-right?
So there you go! Me and all my Glory. If you go back to my first paragraph above then skim through my 3 goals again, is it not apparent that if I just master these three things, all the stressors above will be resolved and laid in a better state? Setting your goals starts with what it is about you that makes such situations stressful or feel so overwhelming. Think back to High School….was it really important to do our homework every night and achieve that perfect attendance record as if an A in Geology and no 1pm Dr appointments would guarantee you success in life? No! But through those goals, you became responsible, a time-management expert, found what makes you motivated and sat at graduation with your head held high in personal satisfaction. Make goals that solve many problems at once-dig deep and one day sit back and watch how everything just fell into place when you just simply let go and released. Oh…and communicate if I forgot to mention that!