So aside from product reviews and my healthy living posts, I truly blog because I love to write. Whether it is journaling or telling a story, it is a release. I have been asked at times to stop hiding behind the computer..it isn’t the computer or my blog, it is writing. We all have stories..every situation whether it is a matter of moments, months or years a story is created. I choose to share some of mine. Not all of them-some of them! Given that, I decided that it would be self-inspiring to write a letter to myself as the future. Through experiences I have had so far in life, if I can choose a phrase I hear often that I relate to most it would be:
“If I only knew then what I know now”
We have all heard that whether in stories or songs. That is what this is. If I could have spoken to myself back then and KNOW everything would turn out the way it is today I would have taken more chances. I would have stressed less & loved more. I would not have been afraid and would have been a better friend to others and myself. So here it goes….
Someday this will make sense to you. Don’t try and analyze this or read more into it now as I know you would most likely do. Just know that in the end all things happen for a reason and your reason will be to have loved like no other and to be strong and independent. Getting there will be a rough road. You already know how important your friends are to you and even if they don’t say it, they care and will always be there. Home is near your family and you will leave, but you will come back home. It really is OK to just release-have a good cry sometimes. That won’t ever change and you will do it still years to come. You will always feel like you have to fix everyone; that you are to defend the defenseless. Go ahead and be all of that to those you hold close because I cannot tell you not to. I cannot tell you that to avoid yourself by worrying about others is not always the best remedy because you will never change. You will always choose those you want to comfort and keep close then try shutting them out when they get too close. Go ahead…you’ll see. It is because you will encounter friends along the the way who will see right through you. Thy will not leave you or hurt you and eventually you will marry one of them. The other’s will forever be close by.
You will be hurt. You will get hurt bad and for a long time. It will be torturous, it will break you at times. You will want to give up, you will wish you weren’t alive to endure it. You will hit bottom and stay there a very long time. You will feel that no one cares and you will be be utterly and sadly alone. In that time you will protect this man that should not be protected. You will love this man just to passify him all along knowing you despise him. You will please him you will be the best you can and it will never be good enough. In this time, go ahead and break down, go ahead and know what alone fels like. Just know that you will prevail. You will escape and it will be scary as hell! You will recover, although it will only shed in layers and a few at a time. The process will be long and you will learn who you really are or should I say become better than you were. You will become a person who has “been there and knows why”. That will benefit others in so many ways. It will take years, but you will share your story and you will love like no other. Your strength and independence will make you proud. You will become a Mom and love a man who deserves you and you WILL deserve him. You will defend those who need you and you will be stubborn and still try and fix everyone. Eventually you’ll see how everything happens for a reason and people come together for a reason. You will come and you will go but you will never sit down. You will always keep busy-sometimes too busy. Pain and fear are powerful emotions and you will never forget, but it is OK to never forget. It is OK to turn that fear around and learn and grow from it. Don’t be so afraid to express yourself-to communicate and don’t take so long to trust again. Let go and know that everything you deserve will happen for you. You will be a good wife and a proud Mom and will still underestimate yourself way too much. And all the small & happy stories the past few years will be worth everything you ever went through. Your mind will always run wild and those close to you will only wish they knew your thoughts. They should know..maybe not all of them but to know enough so they see you for all your good and not so good moments. Trust will come as you shed the layers of years of abuse. Keep shining and you will always remind others to do the same for themselves.